blind spots

What It Is?

The final critical factor in reading people right is our blind spots. The study of blind spots is the most intensely psychological and introspective of the four factors. In general terms, a blind spot involves a subject about which one is ignorant or prejudiced, and fails to exercise good judgment. In terms of making smart relationship devisions, we mean it in a specifically psychological sense, as a personal tendency, way of thinking, or perception that fails to take reality into consideration. Blind spots are due to personal distortions, and are in turn usually based on our personal experience. Blind spots leave us open to all sorts of errors, sometimes, ruinous ones. Usually everyone but us can see the trouble we're about to get into. And they're usually repetitive. How many times did you make the same mistake in choosing a lover? How many times the same mistake with a boss, a job choice, or dealing with your financial life? If you noticed a pattern, you saw what happens when your blind spot is active. Blind spots are as varied as people’s issues. Any list of them is too short. We can fall for the “wrong type” of person; think people are good when they are bad; depend on them when we objectively have no reason to; maintain a relationship in hopes of them changing; identify with part of them that we wished we had, therefore letting them take advantage of us; allow ourselves to get sucked into their narcissism or craziness; be seduced by them for reasons of greed or lust; and many more. The blind spots that do us the most damage usually, if not always, exist as proxies for some piece of unfinished business from our own past, usually with our own parents or some other aspect of our early lives (before we could put feelings and events in perspective). An objectively dumb action can feel entirely automatic and normal; therefore it’s not surprising that we make the same mistakes over and over again!

Why It's Important

Far from being rare occurrences, blind spots come up often in the attempt to read people. This is often because, without realizing it, we may have problems with that particular person because of the blind spot. The more we are at a loss to understand what decision to make about someone, especially when we've gathered a lot of information, the more likely it is that we have a blind spot about them. Understanding and removing personal blind spots is so important that if not taken seriously, at least half the time the effort to read people right will fail, no matter how much work we do in the other three areas. Blind spots will cause us to defeat ourselves! Blind spots need to be understood in depth, and recognized in action as we go on. We must get to know our own weakest, blindest parts with respect to who we choose to be involved with. Otherwise they can continue to distort our decision-making and wreck our lives. The good news is that even the simple recognitionthat a blind spot exists can be a huge help in keeping us out of trouble, just as a road sign saying “Danger, Bridge Out” can keep us from plunging over a cliff: we don't have to be engineers to save ourselves!

How We Use It

There are two steps to removing blind spots. The first is to notice them. A good way to start is to take the short blind spot test on this site. Or we can simply ask the free-form question, “what mistakes do I keep making with people?” Once we see the pattern, we can move on to ask the second question: “how did I get addicted to acting this way?” Usually, though not exclusively, the incidents that set the pattern took place in our early years. Good news! It's easier to understand our blind spots than it may seem. That’s because the mistakes hurt, so we're usually more or less aware of them, even if it's after the fact. Once we search for the first incident in the string, it's usually not long before the light turns on and we understand how we got addicted to making mistakes with people. Occasionally we may need to talk to a friend about this. Others can often see our blind spots when we can't. If they can't help, a targeted consult with a professional is well worth the time and money. When people do a relationship decision consult with me, sometimes the simple recognition of what their blind spot has been is enough to unblock them and essentially fix the problem. They're done. Other times, they need to understand more elements of themselves and the other person before the blind spot goes away. People sometimes are so fascinated by the understanding of a blind spot that they want to know more. They go on to explore their own history and functioning in depth. Blind Spot Test The purpose of this test is to help you get in touch with the kinds of behaviors that create people problems for you. Be honest with yourself. The more honest you are, the more useful the Blind Spot Test will be for you. Before starting, you might want to print out a copy from your browser or download a printable PDF. For each question, rate yourself from one to ten in terms of frequency and the "pain factor" associated with the situations. Don't agonize over precision; the scales just give you a rough idea of relative importance.   OK, here we go. During the last 10 years or so, have you: Frequency: Pain Factor: 1. Done things for love or attention which ultimately backfired?   ________ ________ 2. Allowed yourself to be bullied or manipulated by someone you respected in your organization or business, and wound up losing money or influence rather than gaining it?   ________ ________ 3. Tried to please others and ultimately were taken advantage of ?   ________ ________ 4. Approached people with a superior attitude and found they either ignored you, were fascinated but kept their distance, or said things to others to the effect that you were really just a jerk, blowhard, or “little Napoleon”?   ________ ________ 5. Tried to “fake it” with a teacher, boss, or supervisor, when you really didn't have adequate knowledge or training, then found out that your laziness cost you in terms of progress or success.   ________ ________ 6. Trusted someone too much and gotten screwed?   ________ ________ 7. Avoided or failed to trust people you should have, and so missed opportunities in your private or work life?   ________ ________ 8. Backed off from competition from fear of the other people involved, and wound up losing (e.g. the girl, the guy, the friend, the promotion)?   ________ ________ 9. Been sexual or romantic with someone and later wished you hadn't?   ________ ________ 10. Gotten in a dangerous situation with someone?   ________ ________ 11. Treated other people as victims to be exploited via lies, cheating, or theft, then found it didn't gain you anything in the outer world or psychologically?   ________ ________ 12. Does another question spring to mind? If so, grab it and answer it! It's probably the topic that's most relevant to you!   ________ ________ Scoring and Insights Look at your highest numbers, above. Ask yourself: "What kind of person makes me 'go blind'? Did my vulnerability begin as an adult or as a child?" Either way, what happened, and why was the experience so powerful? With these questions and answers, you may know better where your blind spots are. And once you know them, you can keep them on your radar screen. And avoid them! blind spot test pdf